the joyless

pico iyer's article in nytimes "the joy of less"

http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/07/the-joy-of-less/

i don't like pico iyer. pico iyer is a pompous bitch.

pico writes about his quest for inner peace, and identifies with a holocaust victim he quotes at the beginning of the article. smooth move you self absorbed prick.

pico has had it with hard nyc life, the park avenue apartment must go! nyc is too much of everything and can not fulfill the huge vacuum that is his soul. he hates broadband and needs to listen to sigur ros uninterrupted. he cannot be weighed down by his cell phone, he can not be bothered with daily news; the world’s problems will all work itself out in some imaginary buddhist masturbation session; and why should the world weigh itself down on pico?

so the pompous bitch moves to japan where he can turn off his cell phone and enjoy a simpler life of pokemon and square shaped watermelons. he feels japan will bring him the simplier life, but really all he is doing is immersing himself in a foreign culture that enables him to concentrate on reaching some kind of narcissism nirvana.

i hope he chokes on his eel roll.

duties

so i am sitting in jury duty and bored to death with the book i am reading, eat pray love. so far i haven't finished the eat part and hoping things pick up at pray. it has its moments, but if a chick flick could be a book this would be it. she is whinning about her divorce and never knowing her real self when really all she needs is a drinking problem like me.

the book has conjured up my favorite daydream of running away with chris to continually travel and explore the world. i just wrote chris and suggested we empty our retirement packages and runaway together until the money runs out. is that too revolutionary road? you know, without the homespun abortion.

god jury duty is so fucking boring. can't we just videoconference this shit? i could be comfortable at home enjoying a nice snack of reduced fat cheez its (which i prefer over their fatty sibling, regular cheez its) and wait until my skype rings to do my civic duty. where is obama when you really need him?

the video at the beginning of jury duty did provide some comic relief. it starts with a reenactment of a witch dunking (i am not making this up) with the question posed to the viewer - is this really justice? umm, alright maybe its not justice, but it is certainly more entertaining then sitting here and smelling the dander of the old white man next to me (mental note: beyond 50 i need to start wearing cologne again).

next diane sawyer circa 1992 walks us through the magical world on ny state supreme court. oh what a thrill! she also tells us what each member of the court does, like all of us have been living in a space vacuum and haven't seen an episode of law and order. and speaking of that, this would be a lot more fulfilling if they used the law and order sound effect to puncture the thick air of dull in this courthouse. and continuing on the themes of improvement, this place needs an air hockey table...and a wet bar if you ask me. let me tell you i will put all of these suggestions in the box and you can thank me when your turn comes and your enjoying a g and t while listening to the electric hum of the air hockey table waiting for serve out your own personal civic duty.

guess who's not invited to dinner?

since being with a southern gentleman (and i mean real south, not some washington dc virginia yankee wanna be – i am talking muscle shoals alabama stone skip to mississippi south) i have learned to lose some of my northern preconceptions. chris has helped me overcome my mild panic attacks when stepping off the airplane convinced the natives will smell my gay new yorker blood and matthew shepard me to the closest fence possible. i have come to accept that racism is not hyper active in the south, but is found most everywhere and that southerners get an unfair knock.

and then chris’ local hometown newspaper shits all over that theory. enjoy the “article” on the klan rally which reads suspiciously like the klan's press release.

http://www.timesdaily.com/article/20090510/ARTICLES/905105041/0/ELECTION04

jumping the shark 2008

this time of year, lots of articles review the good and bad of 2008. so, i was thinking, i can be bitchy and i can write. so armed with some painkillers, here i go....

madonna: i am over mad madge. what’s with the fake british accent? what’s with adopting a child from malawi, that’s so jolie 2002. what’s with her imploding face causing sunken cheeks and eye sockets? what’s with the farrah hair that was retro chic four years ago? She may come back, but currently she is trolling her way down the cher highway.

apple: just like volkswagen five years ago, apple's marketing and advertising has outlived its status figure status. their products cost too much and are marketed so you are always technologically behind their latest product. Their price gauging is gross and has turned this company’s marketed anti-establishment into the establishment.

american apparel advertising: the polaroid porn themed adverts were clever, but now have become passé. i don’t want to see some mustached pouch belly 20 something man in electric blue short shorts with thick thigh hair. Ever.

sarah silverman: her comedy central show is just not funny anymore. i watch dvr episode after dvr episode but this season sucks.

power bars: you’re an idiot if you eat power bars. you don’t need them. no matter how much you think you are burning so many calories that you will not have the nutritional assets to make it to the locker room without chewing down a 600 calorie packed dirt tasting wheat germ glorified granola bar – your wrong. eat a banana.

gay rights: not cool anymore – when california can’t pass gay marriage and about 30 states with state constitutional amendments declaring marriage between a man and woman only, gay rights is not liked in america. this all happened without the christian coalition controlling the republican campaign this year. even "our savior" obama is very cold to the gays – choosing a spiritual leader who preaches hate. gay rights has not taken a step back, its taken a road trip to the unknown.

vitamin water: its fucking kool-aid with vitamins added. drink water and pop a multivitamin and enjoy the same benefits without the food coloring.

speakeasies: yeah, its fun to walk around the block three times trying to find the entrance to the bar you are meeting your friends at. its enticing to order a drink that was popular in 1923 like rye with a egg white beaten in it. its not fun waiting 20 minutes for a drink, because the entire drink menu is way too complicated, especially if you are an alcoholic. just give me the vodka on the rocks.

republicans: they fucked this country hard. economy, health care, foreign affairs, environment, civil liberties – the bush presidency has left all of these in much worse shape than when they arrive. you have to believe in obama, choosing not too is just too depressing.

sex in the city: i didn’t see the movie – but i did see the gaggles of fat housewives from long island, nj and westchester who came in the city to drink sickening sweet cosmopolitans and dream their liz claiborne purses match those of vacant souls of sex in the city.

bravo reality shows: project runway, top chef, blush, hairdressing – you name a trade; bravo has a competition of split personalities battling each other for 15 minutes of fame. it was fun in the beginning, but now is just over saturated. who will be the top personal assistant? i just don’t care…

jumping the shark: the phrase itself has become what it defines.

no handouts for tricksters and liars

i love evil in all its forms. i would like to introduce to you shirley nagel, who doesn’t hand out halloween candy to obama supporters or their children. i love her. she knows you have to take a strong hand with tomorrow’s youth, and they must learn, a vote against mccain is a vote against peanut m&ms. god bless you shirley!

watch the 2 minute news story here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbkBE0lWeYU

ps: keep a careful eye out for an angry parent who dressed up as rosie o’donnell!

thank you for being a friend

Halloween Costume 2008: The Golden Girls. Best Costume Ever.....

some people think its funny, but its usually wet and runny

i like sharing, and i am going to share some of the virtues of crohn’s disease which takes away my dignity. since my surgery in april, i have been enjoying my remission, including chowing down on past forbidden foods such as salad, cashews, shredded wheat cereal and whole grain breads. by mid august, my body started to reject my new diet, and reminded me that a cut with the knife will not temper its insatiable lust of internal organ self-destruction.

how did my body decide to speak? through nail biting, asshole clenching, raging diarrhea. at first i brushed it off as too much fiber or too much vodka the night before, but when it started waking me up at night i began to suspect crohn’s involvement. then it began to wake me up multiple times at night, with great urgency forcing me to knock things down on route to the bathroom (its hard rushing with a sleepy head and complete darkness but worth not soiling yourself).

and sometimes, while deeply asleep, my body wakes me up to late and i begin to shit myself. just a little, but enough to force me to wash my underwear out at 3 in the morning and frequent enough for me to stuff tissues in my underwear as to not have to wash more underwear out every night.

btw - how does the body know when you are getting closer to a toilet and amp up the need to go even stronger. by the time i unlock the door and run to the toilet, my intestines begin to churn harder and my impulse to crap becomes stronger. the closer i get to the toilet, the stronger the urge – until its impossible for me to grab reading material no less unbutton my pants.

my constant diarrhea and toxic gas has pushed chris to the brink, sitting me down to discuss how I need to go to the doctor. let me tell you, nothing is more humbling than your live-in partner telling you to see a doctor because as he puts it “your farts are worse than when you had blood farts.”

fun crohn’s vocabulary:

blood fart (n.): noxious gas that escapes my body by

first going through my intestinal tract which his full of

stale rotten blood from bleeding sores.

nothing smells worse – nothing. not nyc garbage trucks on an august afternoon, not filled diaper pails, nor sulfur pools. blood farts are at the top of the disgusting odor chart.

one positive side effect is my ass must be in top physically shape – or at least my asshole. there have been so many times that I have to cletch my asshole tightly closed, as not to have an accident during a meeting, walking home, or ironing for that matter, my bunghole must be ready for some type of olympic game. special olympics that is.

as you can plainly see, i needed help and something had to be done. i made an appointment with my guru, dr. silvera, and i am back on humira. thankfully, they have “improved” on the technology and now give you a pen to stick yourself (rather than a needle), which controls the speech in which the medicine is delivered – which is horrifyingly slow. it makes me scream out loud, which is unnerving for anyone in the apartment and i would guess my neighbors, but this is the price you pay not to be on the brink of shitting yourself all day and night.

aren't you glad i share?