jumping the shark 2008

this time of year, lots of articles review the good and bad of 2008. so, i was thinking, i can be bitchy and i can write. so armed with some painkillers, here i go....

madonna: i am over mad madge. what’s with the fake british accent? what’s with adopting a child from malawi, that’s so jolie 2002. what’s with her imploding face causing sunken cheeks and eye sockets? what’s with the farrah hair that was retro chic four years ago? She may come back, but currently she is trolling her way down the cher highway.

apple: just like volkswagen five years ago, apple's marketing and advertising has outlived its status figure status. their products cost too much and are marketed so you are always technologically behind their latest product. Their price gauging is gross and has turned this company’s marketed anti-establishment into the establishment.

american apparel advertising: the polaroid porn themed adverts were clever, but now have become passé. i don’t want to see some mustached pouch belly 20 something man in electric blue short shorts with thick thigh hair. Ever.

sarah silverman: her comedy central show is just not funny anymore. i watch dvr episode after dvr episode but this season sucks.

power bars: you’re an idiot if you eat power bars. you don’t need them. no matter how much you think you are burning so many calories that you will not have the nutritional assets to make it to the locker room without chewing down a 600 calorie packed dirt tasting wheat germ glorified granola bar – your wrong. eat a banana.

gay rights: not cool anymore – when california can’t pass gay marriage and about 30 states with state constitutional amendments declaring marriage between a man and woman only, gay rights is not liked in america. this all happened without the christian coalition controlling the republican campaign this year. even "our savior" obama is very cold to the gays – choosing a spiritual leader who preaches hate. gay rights has not taken a step back, its taken a road trip to the unknown.

vitamin water: its fucking kool-aid with vitamins added. drink water and pop a multivitamin and enjoy the same benefits without the food coloring.

speakeasies: yeah, its fun to walk around the block three times trying to find the entrance to the bar you are meeting your friends at. its enticing to order a drink that was popular in 1923 like rye with a egg white beaten in it. its not fun waiting 20 minutes for a drink, because the entire drink menu is way too complicated, especially if you are an alcoholic. just give me the vodka on the rocks.

republicans: they fucked this country hard. economy, health care, foreign affairs, environment, civil liberties – the bush presidency has left all of these in much worse shape than when they arrive. you have to believe in obama, choosing not too is just too depressing.

sex in the city: i didn’t see the movie – but i did see the gaggles of fat housewives from long island, nj and westchester who came in the city to drink sickening sweet cosmopolitans and dream their liz claiborne purses match those of vacant souls of sex in the city.

bravo reality shows: project runway, top chef, blush, hairdressing – you name a trade; bravo has a competition of split personalities battling each other for 15 minutes of fame. it was fun in the beginning, but now is just over saturated. who will be the top personal assistant? i just don’t care…

jumping the shark: the phrase itself has become what it defines.

no handouts for tricksters and liars

i love evil in all its forms. i would like to introduce to you shirley nagel, who doesn’t hand out halloween candy to obama supporters or their children. i love her. she knows you have to take a strong hand with tomorrow’s youth, and they must learn, a vote against mccain is a vote against peanut m&ms. god bless you shirley!

watch the 2 minute news story here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbkBE0lWeYU

ps: keep a careful eye out for an angry parent who dressed up as rosie o’donnell!

thank you for being a friend

Halloween Costume 2008: The Golden Girls. Best Costume Ever.....

some people think its funny, but its usually wet and runny

i like sharing, and i am going to share some of the virtues of crohn’s disease which takes away my dignity. since my surgery in april, i have been enjoying my remission, including chowing down on past forbidden foods such as salad, cashews, shredded wheat cereal and whole grain breads. by mid august, my body started to reject my new diet, and reminded me that a cut with the knife will not temper its insatiable lust of internal organ self-destruction.

how did my body decide to speak? through nail biting, asshole clenching, raging diarrhea. at first i brushed it off as too much fiber or too much vodka the night before, but when it started waking me up at night i began to suspect crohn’s involvement. then it began to wake me up multiple times at night, with great urgency forcing me to knock things down on route to the bathroom (its hard rushing with a sleepy head and complete darkness but worth not soiling yourself).

and sometimes, while deeply asleep, my body wakes me up to late and i begin to shit myself. just a little, but enough to force me to wash my underwear out at 3 in the morning and frequent enough for me to stuff tissues in my underwear as to not have to wash more underwear out every night.

btw - how does the body know when you are getting closer to a toilet and amp up the need to go even stronger. by the time i unlock the door and run to the toilet, my intestines begin to churn harder and my impulse to crap becomes stronger. the closer i get to the toilet, the stronger the urge – until its impossible for me to grab reading material no less unbutton my pants.

my constant diarrhea and toxic gas has pushed chris to the brink, sitting me down to discuss how I need to go to the doctor. let me tell you, nothing is more humbling than your live-in partner telling you to see a doctor because as he puts it “your farts are worse than when you had blood farts.”

fun crohn’s vocabulary:

blood fart (n.): noxious gas that escapes my body by

first going through my intestinal tract which his full of

stale rotten blood from bleeding sores.

nothing smells worse – nothing. not nyc garbage trucks on an august afternoon, not filled diaper pails, nor sulfur pools. blood farts are at the top of the disgusting odor chart.

one positive side effect is my ass must be in top physically shape – or at least my asshole. there have been so many times that I have to cletch my asshole tightly closed, as not to have an accident during a meeting, walking home, or ironing for that matter, my bunghole must be ready for some type of olympic game. special olympics that is.

as you can plainly see, i needed help and something had to be done. i made an appointment with my guru, dr. silvera, and i am back on humira. thankfully, they have “improved” on the technology and now give you a pen to stick yourself (rather than a needle), which controls the speech in which the medicine is delivered – which is horrifyingly slow. it makes me scream out loud, which is unnerving for anyone in the apartment and i would guess my neighbors, but this is the price you pay not to be on the brink of shitting yourself all day and night.

aren't you glad i share?

autism leads to the new michael phelps

from cnn:

walter marino shouted to his 12-year-old son, christopher, as he drifted farther away in the Atlantic Ocean.

"to infinity," the father yelled.

"and beyond," christopher replied.

an autistic boy who spent 12 hours stranded in the atlantic ocean enjoyed himself during his ordeal, his father told cnn. walter marino said his son doesn't fear death because of his disease and therefore remained calm. walter marino, who was swept out to sea with his son, said he took comfort in christopher's calmness, fostering his own survival. "it was a big entertainment roller coaster for him, that's what got me through it -- because he wasn't freaking out," marino said.

as mr. marino stated, his son doesn't fear death. once mr. marino found the neighborhood boys beating christopher with sticks chanting "rain man, rain man." this was also a proud moment for mr. marino, as christopher didn't show any fear then either. in fact, christopher hardly ever shows any kind of emotion. he just moans and rolled his eyes back in his head. Mr. marino usually can tell when christopher is enjoying something, as his moan becomes more severe - just like the day at the beach when his father lead his fearless son into the ocean and quickly became separated from him. christopher was moaning pretty loud, and mr. marino read this as pleasure, as he is surely correct. kids with autism can not get enough of repetitious activities like treading water or tying and untying shoelaces.

to infinity christopher! said mr. marino.

and beyond (gurgle, moan) says christopher in return, while his eyes roll back in his head.

an beyond, young christopher, and beyond......

sister anna louise

my friend just reminded me of our childhood piano instructor, sister anna louise. i went to a catholic school which still had some nuns teaching children. my mother and aunts would always tell horror stories of nuns beating them with rulers and in general, physically abusing them until they could recite their multiplication tables without using their dirty sinful fingers.

although i didn’t go to catholic school during its rockin’ heyday like my mother did, we still had nuns or sisters who for lack of sanity or pleasure beat the shit out of us for no real reason. one such nun was sister anna louise – our half deaf (i kid you not – she had two hearing aids) music teacher. to earn a little extra green on the side (no doubt to pay for her sexy gray woolen skirts or quite possibly boxing lessons) she taught the privileged kids in my little home town piano. my sister and i were some of those lucky children.

sister anna louise was part of the sisters of st. joseph, whose motto (from their website) is “together, we live, pray, and work for a more just and peaceful world.” sister anna louise’s personal motto was “i must break you.” missing notes on the piano were cause for minor breakdowns for sister anna louise, usually accompanied by a quick slap on the hands or thug on the head. and god bless your little childhood soul if your “hands got lazy” and played with flat fingers or if you didn’t practice until your little 7 year old nails fall out or you held that note a little too long. staccato, staccato! she would screech and slap you on your ear (which by the way really hurts – she would use the open hand approach - much like pol pot). really, i think she taught piano to lend her the opportunity to abuse young children.

anyways, as a child who was just developing this large jar of emotional anger i carry around with me today (which does not lend me to losing weight), i hated her. i still fucking hate her. i don’t really believe in hell, but it comforts me that her willowed old corpse might burn their one day.

my mother use to cart her around town and take her to lunch (i guess she thought she was getting closer to god, and lord knows she needed to burn some bad karma off). i would always get updates from her, which i always responded that i didn’t care. when my mother passed, sr. anna louise came to my mother’s funeral and announced very loudly “she’s gotten much fatter – she was always so fat.” of course being almost completely deaf, she can’t hear herself, but everyone else did.

personally, i can’t believe she is still alive (and she is – my mother’s close friend has now pick up where my mother left off on updates regarding the sadistic cunt and i learned at kara’s wedding sr. anna louise is alive and kicking – most likely a toddler who hasn’t learn to sit up straight). it just goes to show, true hardcore evil doesn’t really die. true hardcore evil lives long enough to make others wipe their asses and change their diapers once again.

where's my transgendered hero?

in fun news from my hometown, a woman drove over 5 people, killing one outside a gay bar in rochester, new york. at about 2am the women (susan arena - anyone know her?) speed into a group of people only to be stopped by our tranny hero, karen ann bills.

karen ann comes to the rescue with her cane, i kid you not, and ax. she throws the ax into the windsheild of the man slaughtering driver and dares her not to move.

bravo karen ann! i especially like the interview she gives with her trusty teddy bear sitting besides her. every super hero needs their sidekick. again, my neighbors suck and only wish i had a karen ann living next to me, in case i ever need her services of an ax.

below is the link to the story (with video on right) of karen ann's proud moment. karen ann does not appear until the end, and it is worth the wait!

http://www.whec.com/article/stories/s541725.shtml?cat=566