hot steamy dog shit

whenever i am confronted by our furry four legged friends, there are two things that instantly go through my mind a) is it going to jump on me and soil my clothing and b) will i feel compelled to pet it and therefore suffer from dog stink on my hand. i know all owners of dogs are adamant their dog is clean – guess what? i don’t care how fucking clean your dog is, there is always residue dog stink on your hand after petting it. although there are varying levels of stink; some less than others, there really is nothing as repugnant as an “outside” dog’s vile dander on your hand after pretending to like canines and scratching its back.

and if your dog slobbers or breathes its hot little doggie breath on me, i am not exactly ready to gush on how cute he/she is. many times, it is not the dogs fault for being annoying – like it wasn’t properly trained or it’s dressed up like a doll by its owner. honestly, in nyc people put rain boots on their little purse dogs. i firmly believe that people who dress their dogs beyond a jaunty little bandannas should be euthanized.

not being one to hide my emotions on my face, immediately when confronted with a slobbery dog, the owner will say “you’re not a dog person, are you?” i want to say “yes” – because i feel if i say “no” it makes it look like i am a bad person and let’s face it, my personality is so borderline i don’t need another item to weigh in on the “evil” side of the lady justice weight measure. so i say yes, but it is a lie – which makes me wonder, is it worse to lie about liking dogs than actually not liking dogs?

another sex in the city moment there. that damn movie is everywhere right now. i don’t really hate the movie as much as the hags that can’t wait to see it. i use to watch sex in the city on television and liked it. recently, while mending at home on my back for five weeks, i tried repeatedly to watch the reruns and just found myself nauseated by the pathetic storylines and ‘hipper’ than bitchy attitude all four main characters have. i guess i can see some sort of camp value in the upcoming flick, but that would be a lie – and i’ll leaving lying to whether or not i like dogs. i guess the real point here is: will i ever be able to end a paragraph with a question without envisioning sarah jessica parker typing on her bed about the latest dipshit she’s dating?

and since we are talking about dogs in the city (drum roll, please), i would have to de-evolve to be reduced to take a thin plastic bag and pick up hot steamy dog shit off the sidewalk every morning/night. it’s just never going to happen. not only that, but i curse all city dogs owners who pollute our sidewalks with brown stains, who are the real culprits in the waifs of urine we are so lucky to smell, and who kill more trees than bette milder can plant.

now, don’t get me wrong, i am really not against dogs. to be honest, i actually find them comforting to have around. i understand the bond one can have with an animal – i loved my childhood dog, ginger. she was so important to me that when i was 7 or 8, i planned on taking her with me when i ran away (side note: i would tell my mother i was running away, usually after a good beating, and her response was always “i’ll pack your lunch,” classic karen).

to sum it all up - i guess i like the concept of a dog, just don’t make me pet them.

NOTE FOR FRIENDS WITH DOGS: there are always exceptions to the rules, and there are dogs i do genuinely like – so please don’t ask me whether i like your dog or not, cause the answer is always yes, whether i do or not.