my phone, my nemesis

there are moments in which i am capable of super human strength, much like the incredible hulk. in fact the incredible hulk and i have one important key characteristic in common - we can only summon our super human strength when we are angry. we differ as i did not obtain this super power by some failed government experiment (like rachael ray) - mine is purely genetic - from the deep pit of anger which pretty much defines my mother.

many schoolchildren used the "my father can beat up your father" analogy to boost their pride. i can say with ease that my mother could kill your entire family within 5 seconds - not so much for my pride, as more of a warning to you. karen (my mother's name to the outside world, or 'killa gorilla' in fight club) could summon up hateful rage to stomp out many evils in our house - like beds made WITHOUT hospital corners (for those savage pigs who do not know what hospital corners are - it is when you corner tuck the sheets in a perfect 90 degree angle), watching tv before 4pm, or pretty much anytime she was annoyed.

a special offense which would unleash quick and immediate tirades (read: beatings) was to eat food on the forbidden list. karen was a heavyweight fighter weighing in around 300 pounds (give or take a bag of lays or two) which gave her a special interest in the quantities of food available in house at all times. food falling below certain quantities would bring about beatings. this created a special food edibility pyramid in my house which only the local culture (myself, my sister and my father) could comprehend - although many times the locals could not understand what the beast wanted. in karen's house, all foods had levels of edibility - depending on where they fell on the pyramid. a food on the forbidden list (food seemingly purchased for consumption, but in reality evil booby traps set by karen to release her inner rage) ranged from anything from pretzels to fruit to bread.

not only were foods categorized but also weighed - so that if any one member ate more then the allotted or "fair" amount, karen could (and would) quickly squash such uprisings. my mother was like a somali warlord with the key to the wheat harvest and no one in the family was going to establish any other order.

in fact their was an actual key which unlocked a pantry, which my mother would hold, to protect the precious stash of food stuff from the groveling peasants. at one time, this included 14 cake mixes and matching icings - because karen knew my sister and i were aching to bake a wedding cake behind her back and not share a crumb with her.

besides a locked pantry and established fear, my mother also had a hidden stash of food in her dresser - which would include multi-pack bars of candy, snack chips, nuts and other assorted treats any good diabetic needs. i knew all these secrets because, like my sister, i was part of the food resistance.

to digress, i too have inherited the ability of irrational blind rage - which i have been somewhat successful in suppressing with my drug and alcohol abuse. at times though, like the hulk, i loose control and become enraged - mostly on inanimate objects which laugh and taunt me.

since purchasing my razor (spelled razr by the assholes at motorola) phone, it has belittled me with mystery rings, scourged me with unintended photographs, and in general made calling friends and retrieving voice-mail unnecessarily difficult. this past sunday, while driving home from the national alliance of mental health fund raising walk (i kid you not), the phone mocked me for the very last time - incessantly ringing to tell me i had a voice mail - which i was already alerted to every 20 minutes for the previous 3 hours. my face turned green, my body grew, at first twice and then three times the size as normal and then, i snapped the phone in half.

now, many people would think i snapped the phone where the hinge was (as it was a flip phone). that my friends, would be for those without super hero strength. i snapped my phone in half right below the 4,5,6 buttons. later, i learned from the razr gestapo that i snapped the motherboard (her words, not mine) in half and rendered the phone useless (one tiny step below its original ranking if you ask me).

therefore, i do not have a phone at the moment, but look forward to my new blackberry i purchased online. i hope it is fully trained not to annoy me or else i may have to unleash the rage again in a sequel - 'son of killa gorilla.'